- Irishman tells his wife, “My arsehole is really burning and I’ve no idea what it is?” “Ring sting”, his wife replies. Irishman says, “How the f*** will he know?”
- Last night I thought I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb in my herb garden. But when I went to check, it was just a chive talking”.
- The Paralympics five-a-side team for China was announced earlier, they are: Won Lim, Foo Kin Mong, Won Ki Face, Sum Ting Wong and Wayne Rooney.
- How do you know when your son has just had a blowjob? The dog’s breath smells of peanut butter.
- Why is it called Down syndrome, when they look so happy all the time?
- I walked into a pet shop and said to the assistant, “The bottom of my face is really hot…” She said, “So, this is a pet shop…?” I said, “Well, my mate told me that you sell chin chillers.”
- Irishman was having sex with a girl when she asked, “Does it not bother you that I’m only 13?” He replied, “ No, I’ve never been superstitious.”
- I’ve just broken the World record for holding my breath underwater. An incredible 8 minutes, 42 seconds! It all started when a girl at the swimming baths shouted, “That’s him over there daddy!”
- My wife came into my shed yesterday and shouted, “You’re wasting your time and our money on all these stupid inventions!” It was at this point that the Slap-a-fat-twat 3000 automatic proved her wrong.
- Did you hear about the man who was born with five dicks? His underpants fitted him like a glove.
- Did you hear about the woman who was born with three vaginas? She got f**ked left, right and centre.
- Did you hear about the woman who was born without a vagina, but didn’t give a f***?
- A woman’s dead body was discovered this morning with sperm in her eyes. Police say, “She probably saw her killer coming”
- His and Her diary.Page one, Saturday.Her: He was quiet, subdued, just not himself. Something was wrong. He hasn’t kissed me all night. Not even looked in my direction. I think it’s another woman. I went to bed and cried. He followed me up later and I cuddled him and stroked his hair. He laid still. Eventually we made love and fell asleep in each other’s arms…His: Manchester United lost, fukin’ gutted! Got a shag though.
- Got a Chinese take-away meal last night. But on the way home in the car I suddenly heard the bag rustle. So I looked over and I saw a pair of eyes looking out the top of the bag and towards me, and then disappeared back inside the bag. I was so scared I nearly crashed. I looked over again and saw the eyes looking at me, then again disappear.I went straight back to the Chinese with the bag at arms length, terrified. I asked the waiter, “what the f*** is going on?” He replied with a smile, “ you no worry, it peeking duck”
- Earlier on today I saw a child at the side of the road eating grass. I stopped and said to him, “don’t eat that come home with me?” The child replied, “I have three brothers and sisters, can they come too?”To which I replied, “f*** off, it’s only a small lawn!”
- Two blokes are walking down the road…Bloke 1: You’re a c***, you’ve always been a c*** and you’ll always be a c***. Everything about you makes you a c***, a complete c***. In fact, if you entered a c*** competition you would come second… Bloke 2: But why wouldn’t I come first?Bloke 1: Because you’re a c***!
- The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
- A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
- I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!