- Two dyslexics go on a skiing holiday and once they get to the top of the mountain they begin to read the skiing learners book. First guys says, “This is easy it’s just zigzag”. Second guy says, “ No it’s zagzig”. They both carry on arguing for ages with the same disagreement until they see an instructor a few yards away and they move over to him.“Hey mister in this instruction book is it zigzag or zagzig?” The instructor replies, “I don’t know I’m a tobogganist.” To which the two guys reply, “Oh, can we have 20 Marlboro then.”
- A kid goes to answer the door and shouts back to his mum, “Mum there’s a man at the door with a bill.” She replies, “Don’t be daft son it’s just a duck with a hat on.”
- What’s the difference between a lion and a vagina? You can lick a vagina but you can’t lick a lion.
- I just lost my job at the Olympic village. Apparently when asked to turn the veg on, interfering with the Dutch girl in the wheelchair wasn’t what they had in mind.
- Watching the Paralympics today made me wonder… If these cu**s can run faster than I can, swim better than I can, lift heavier weights than I can, then why the f**k do they need to park closer to Checkers than me?
- I said to my son, “Where you going?” He said, “I’m off to meet a girl.” I said, “Don’t forget to wear a… you know?” He said, “What?” I said, “You know.” He said, “Do you mean a condom?” I said, “No, a fu*king hat you ginger twat.”
- Whenever I have sex with a woman I feel like a super hero. Usually because I’m wearing a mask.
- I’m not saying my girlfriend’s fat but the first time she tried pole dancing she snapped the pole and ended up taking all the f**king phone lines down with her.
- I hurt my elbow and I saw a urine tester in the supermarket which claimed it could analyse any problems for £5.00.
So I took a sample, poured it into the machine and paid the fiver.
Sure enough a print out came up and declared I have tennis elbow!
Hum I thought – I bet I can confuse this machine.
So I went home, got a sample of the dogs wee, the wife’s wee and my daughters wee. For good measure I put a sample of my semen in as well, mixed it all up and went back to the machine.
I poured the mix in, paid the fiver and waited.
Sure enough out came the print off again. It said; The dogs got worms, your wife is pregnant with twins from someone else, your daughter needs to go on drug rehab, and if you don’t stop wanking your tennis elbow will never mend. - Irishman tells his wife, “My arsehole is really burning, and I’ve no idea what it is?” “Ring sting”, his wife replies. Irishman says, “how the f*** will he know?”
- Paralympics update: Four dead in the Epileptic clay pigeon shoot.
- I was getting a hand-job off my new girlfriend when I asked, “How are you so good at this?” “Years of practice,” she said. “Bit of a player in your day?” I laughed. “No,” she replied, “My dad had no arms.”
- My girl has the physique of a greyhound. Not the slim athletic dog… the bus.
- How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
- I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine today, but at least he died in Comfort.
- I like my women like my weekend. Filled with booze and gone by Monday.
- What’s the best kind of cheese to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
- An Australian woman takes out a personal ad to find herself a man who has never slept with a woman before.She finally gets a reply from a man who has spent his entire life in the outback.
They meet and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they get married.
On the wedding night, she walks into their bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked and all the furniture from the room piled into one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I've never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m going to need all the room I can get.” - My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”I said to her, “ Judging by the look on your face you must be going because when you’re coming you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle.”
- I was banging this fit housewife the other day when we suddenly heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”Thinking back, I really should have run – but you don’t get offers like that every day do you?