- I walked into my grandparent’s house and caught my granddad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. “Fu**ing hell granddad, you promised me that you’d spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed.” “I did,” he replied, “Doesn’t your nan look great?”
- The wife walked in last night and took her bra off; with a cheeky wink she said, “Suck my titties.” “F**k off” I said, “They’ve been on the floor.”
- The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, “I think the romance in this relationship is dead.” I wish she wouldn’t talk to me while I’m having a wank.
- The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'
'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.' - Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.
It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes. - I've been down on my luck recently so when I saw an old lady drop her pension money outside the Post Office, I was faced with a real dilemma.
Do I spend it on drugs, alcohol, or a combination of both. - I've just seen a placard which read "God hates fags".
I thought, "At R 30 a pack, I'm not surprised." - Our neighbour's dog shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
- I can't believe how thick the snow is out there.
I asked a snowman for the time and he just stared at me. - I got sacked tonight for refusing to serve some girl who'd clearly had far too many already.
The fat bitch complained to my McManager. - There is no sadder sight than a tortoise storming off in a huff.
- I know I'll have to die someday;
But I'm putting it off 'til the last minute. - Kimi Raikkonen's motivation: Always Finnish
- As a bloke with a finger fetish, I always come in handy.
- I'll never find the woman of my dreams.
Because of my insomnia. - Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
- Did you hear about the dyslexic farmer? I. U. E. U. I.
- Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.
- Did you hear about the dyslexic who got invited to a toga party and went as a goat?
- What does D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexic Association.
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