• Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK! 
• The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and  I  suggested we should hold auditions for her part. 
• I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next dump could spell disaster. 
• My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. 
• I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
• I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30. 
• The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" 
• My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" 
• A Catholic boy in confession says, Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.
  That's a disgrace, said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers. 
• I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
  
• I bought a blow up doll yesterday but when I got home and blew it up it had a big dick sticking out of it!
  So I took it back to the shop and shouted, “Hey, this doll has a big dick!” The assistant replied, “No it hasn’t, you’ve got it inside out.”
• Your mama’s so fat, when she stepped on the dog’s tail we had to change his name to Beaver.
• One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn’t find them. Later that day, God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.
  Adam said, “This morning Eve and I made love for the first time.” God said, “Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?”
  Adam replied, “She’s down at the river, washing herself out.”
  “Damn’, said God, “Now all the fish will smell funny.”
• What kind of crazy bird yells, “Polly wants a cracker” when he jumps from a plane?
  A parrot trooper.
• Why are there no Aspirins in the jungle? Because the paracetamol.
• What’s the difference between a skydiver and a golfer?
  A golfer goes “WHACK…Oh shit!” A skydiver goes “Oh shit!.. WHACK”
• There once was a farmer from Hay.
  Who found that his hens wouldn’t lay.
  The trouble was Brewster.
  His champion rooster
  You see, Brewster the rooster was gay!
• There was an old lady from Shim.
  Who had a rather sizeable quim.
  It wasn’t the size that attracted the flies.
  But the jelly that hung from the rim.
• Did you hear about the naughty chicken?
  It was eggspelled from school.
• Do you have any dogs going cheap?
  No, I’m afraid they all go woof.
• I play Scrabble with my dog every night.
  He must be clever?
  I don’t know about that. I usually beat him.
• What do you call a goat who visits a psychiatrist?
  A crazy mixed-up kid.
• What do you call cattle that always sit down?
  Ground beef.
• Which bird succeeds?
  A budgie without teeth.
• Which insects can tell the time?
  Clockroaches.
• A turtle is walking down an alley in New York when a gang of snails mugs him. A police detective comes to investigate and asks the turtle if he could explain what happened.
  The turtle says, “I don’t know officer, it all happened so fast…”
• Why did the flies run across the top of the cling wrap box?
  Because it read ‘Tear along the dotted line.’
• Why do chicken watch TV?
  For hentertainment.
• How do dinosaurs pass exams?
  With extinction.
• Irishman has just got his 2nd question right on Who wants to be a millionaire and is now on 200 pounds. The third question is, “Who was the great train robber?” Was it: a) Ronnie Biggs b) Ronnie Barker c) Ronnie Parker? Irishman says, “Well thanks for a great time but I’ll take the 200 pounds thanks.” Host says, “Are you stupid you still have all your lifelines left?” Irishman says, “I might be stupid but I’m not a grass.”

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