‘Doc, I can’t stop singing the green, green grass of home.’

‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’

‘Is it common?’

‘It’s not unusual.’

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts.

The shrink says’ ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’

‘How’s that?’

‘Don’t you start.’

‘Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s and Th’s.’

‘Well you can’t say fairer than that then.’

Bloke goes to the doctors with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his arse.

‘Hmmmm, that’s strange,’ says the doctor.

Bloke replies, ‘That’s just the tip of the iceberg’.

A guy goes into a psychiatrist.

‘Doc, I don’t seem to be able to make any friends, so I need help from you, you fat bastard!’

Doctor, doctor, if I give up wine, woman and song, will I live longer?

No, but it will seem longer.

Doctor, doctor, how was my check up?

Perfect. You’ll live to be 80.

But I am 80.

In that case, it’s been nice knowing you.