Dad are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson.


What do you call a pig with laryngitis?
Disgruntled.


Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.


Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?
Swarm.


If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.


Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.


A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.


I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.


Never buy flowers from a monk.
Only you can prevent florist friars.


How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer.


I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by.
I needed the dough.


My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’.
It’s a cover band.


I lost my girlfriends audio book, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.


Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark.


Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Well, time will tell.


When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.


Bono and Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again”.


Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.


Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.


I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but players are really hard to find.


I got over my addiction chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won’t lie to was a rocky road.


What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar?
There, their, they’re.


I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back”.


What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision?
Suture self.


I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.