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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".

Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. 

Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That's a lot.

Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month.

Time to change supplier I think.


Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave

me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they

tested positive for WD40.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,

they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!