Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a two- seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so one of them must be Chinese. It’s either my mum or dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha- Chu. But I think it is Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, ‘Your round.’ The other replies,’ So are you, you fat bastard!’

Q: What’s an accordion good for?

A: Learning how to fold a map.

A woman saw a little wrinkled man rocking in a chair on his porch.

‘I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. What’s your secret for a happy life?’ she asked him.

‘I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat lots of fatty foods, and never take any exercise.’

‘That’s amazing. Exactly how old are you?

‘Twenty-six.’

Take anti-histamine tablets with your Viagra and achieve an erection that’s not to be sneezed at.

A drunken man knocks on the door of a house at 3.30 in the morning and asks for a push.

The house owner is well pissed off and tells him to clear off and slams the door.

When he goes back to bed and tells his wife she says he’s miserable old git and should have helped the man because they broke down once and asked the same thing to another homeowner, who indeed helped them out.

So he gets out of bed, goes back downstairs and opens the door and shouts out,’Hey, do you still want a push?’

And he hears a drunken voice cry out, ‘Yes please, I’m over here on the swing.’