To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words, there is a medical distinction between having Guts and having Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, "You're next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 oclock Sunday morning ...We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times..'
A BIBLICAL STORY
A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should have met, become friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. While my car is completely demolished, my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too .... men will never learn!
Little Leroy came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was black.
So Leroy asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter?" his mother tells him, "If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father."
So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Leroy asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad
"Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and just steal the f...ing' thing."
1. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
2. my girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied lubricant
3. don’t let an extra chromosome get you down
4. I haven’t talked to my wife in 3 weeks, I didn’t want to interrupt her
5. throwing acid is wrong in some people’s eyes.
6. My wife and I were happy for twenty years, then we met
7. I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long
8. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, this changes everything
9. I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer, but no one will do it
10. I refused to believe my road worker father was sealing fromjob, but when I got home all the signs’ were there
11. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust
12. People say I’m condescending, that means I talk down to people.
13. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon
14. Whiteboards are remarkable
15. I was at an atm and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her
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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, SOD the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning.
The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.
It works like this:
It is a well-known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & Coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture.
According to his Relativity Theory anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.
Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub.
A typical situation is: " OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!"
However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:
"Why is it so quiet? OMG, it's half past one! WHAT HAPPENED?"
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You have to admire the directness of age.
Two older women were having lunch together while discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a boob-job."
The second woman responded,
"Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arse-hole bleached!"
"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
