I’ve just put cod liver oil in my spliff.
Apparently it’s meant to be really good for your joints.
What goes at 100kmh at the bottom of a lake?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
A woman in the hospital has just had twins, a boy and a girl. She’s just coming out of the anesthetic in the recovery room when the nurse walks in and says, ‘Your brother has taken the liberty to name the children.’
‘Oh no. He probably gave them stupid names.’
‘Well, the girl’s name is Denise.’
‘That’s not bad, I like it. What about the boy?’
‘The boys name is De-nephew.’
Neighbour: What are you up to there, Tom?
Tommy: My goldfish died and I’ve just buried him.
Neighbour: That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?
Tommy: That’s because he’s inside your fuc*ing cat.
A woman gets on a bus and the driver says: ‘ That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.’
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down fuming. She says to the man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’
‘You go right up there and tell him to f**k off – go ahead, I’ll hold your hairless, three-toothed baboon for you.’
A drunken fisherman was seen crawling down some railroad tracks. Asked if there was a problem, he replied, ‘Yeah, can you help me off this ladder.’
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
