I was down the pub Saturday night when some overweight quite unattractive 
girl who had clearly had a few drinks, waddled over, pinched my bum and 
‘Give me your phone number sexy,’
I Replied, ‘Have you got a pen?’
She smiled and said ‘Yes.’
‘Better get back to it then’ I said ‘before the farmer misses you!’

My wife told me she’d given up smoking, just to see if it was true I turned 
the gas oven on and went down the pub....

I got fired from my job as a Chef, for stealing Kitchen Equipment.
Actually for me, It was a Whisk I was willing to take.

My dad got sacked for stealing from his job on the road works. We didn't 
believe it at first but when we got home all the signs were there.

I was talking to a bloke who quit his job after he fell asleep and they put 
a tea bag in his mouth. He was sick of being treated like a mug.