Boy says to his Dad "why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aint green?"
Dad replies "its just a saying, son. Its like when somebody is caught stealing something they say they have been caught 'red handed' even though their hands are actually black"
Joke 1
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,
"Is that one word or two?"
Joke 2
There was a knock on the door this morning.
He said,
Joke 3
An Afghan diplomat, visiting the US for the first time, was being
wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well!"
Joke 4
SAINSBURY CAR PARK SCAM - BEWARE!
Sainsbury's car park. Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works:
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!!
