My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.